THIS IS NOT A BILL

As if to congratulate me for at last finishing the never-ending course of antibiotics, an envelope arrived from the hospital today.
Some poor nearly-well patient must have opened one of these "account summary" letters up and fell dead on the floor from a heart attack and now the lawyers make them print "THIS IS NOT A BILL" in 48 size font in bold across the top.
Let's move on to the summary of patient charges, shall we?
Pharmacy $2,414.85
IV Solutions $187.00
Infusion clinic $414.00
(Must have been doped up. Don't recall attending a clinic?)
Nonsterile supply $81.00
(This must be the guy who wrapped my splint with black crud under his nails..)
Med/Sur supplies sterile $87.00
(That's the cost of soap: $6)
Lab/Chemistry $1,170.00
Lab/Hematology $362.00
Bacteriology/micro. $484.00
DX X-ray $344.00
More lab stuff more thousands
EKG (this was the night I was pre-op a flock of nurses observing my man heart)
Semiprivate $14000.00!

Semiprivate is shorthand for 4 days with only a curtain between me and my "roomie", a woman with no diagnosis and mysterious pain, who after asking me what my name was, told me she could never remember a name like that and was going to call me "T".
Semiprivate means being unable to pee after 3 drip bags of saline drip because your roomie's "hat" - a plastic bucket that goes under the toilet seat so your nurse can monitor your urine - is sitting there blocking the toilet in all its glory.
I have to hand it to the gal, though. She had no problem getting what she wanted. She was buzzing the nurses" station every fifteen minutes.
"Where is my nurse? She NEEDS to give me my medicine!" Not being quite so adept at voicing my needs, I learned a lot from her. When the morphine wasn't working, I foolishly took the slient suffering approach. Only the snuffling and sniffing that went along with the tears wasn't so silent and woke her up. Quick to the nurse-buzzer, she knew just what to do. "Send the nurse! My roomie needs her medicine!"
Semiprivate has its perks.
14k! That's more than we pay in rent for our apartment for the entire year! And they only changed the sheets once! (That was because my roomie clued me in that you have to ask.)
Grand total: $24k

Its insane and I can't help but feel for those without coverage. We need a miracle, people. The train is off the tracks. Has the Catholic church caught up with this mess yet? Who's the patron. Saint of the uninsured?

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